I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
