what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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