I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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