The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
