I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
