Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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