I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
