I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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