The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
