don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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