wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
