its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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