I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
