Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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