If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
