so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
