Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
