I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
