Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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