Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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