I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
