She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
