im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
