I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
