According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
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I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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