Four minutes until I can fart!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
