I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
