there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
