I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
