My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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