The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
