i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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