just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
