Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
