Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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