My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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