I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
