Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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