so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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