So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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