Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
