Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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