Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
