I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
