I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
