I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
