I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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