I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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