I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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