Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
