I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
