Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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