Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
