All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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