I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
