On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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