I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
