Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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